The laugh riots...In fact, plenty of Them!!

This is a humble attempt to put some of the best jokes on the web into a single place, and anyone is welcome to add their favourite one too here..Wherever possible, the original source has been mentioned, as it is.. So Come on folks, lets smile and spread the joy and cheer all around!!

Monday, December 19, 2005

The Irish v/s the English

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenlythe train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style trainthere were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loudslap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."And the Irishman was thinking: "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll kiss Claudia again and slap that English ass again."

All about The World Renowned 'Ig Nobel' Prizes..

What are the Ig Nobel Prizes?

WHAT: Every Ig Nobel Prize winner has done something that first makes people LAUGH, then makes them THINK.
WHO: Here is a list of all the winners.
WHY: The Igs are intended to celebrate the unusual, honor the imaginative -- and spur people's interest in science, medicine, and technology. Here are some discussions about the Ig, and about what the Ig is and is not, and perhaps what it could mean.

Now ,here's the full list of winner's and the projects for which the won the awrds , for 2005 & 2004 respectively, to get a better idea of how these prestigious awards are distributed:-

The 2005 Ig Nobel Prize Winners

The 2005 Ig Nobel Prizes were awarded on Thursday evening, October 6, at the 15th First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony, at Harvard's Sanders Theatre. You can watch archived video of the live webcast.

*AGRICULTURAL HISTORY: James Watson of Massey University, New Zealand, for his scholarly study, "The Significance of Mr. Richard Buckley’s Exploding Trousers."REFERENCE: "The Significance of Mr. Richard Buckley’s Exploding Trousers: Reflections on an Aspect of Technological Change in New Zealand Dairy-Farming between the World Wars," James Watson, Agricultural History, vol. 78, no. 3, Summer 2004, pp. 346-60.WHO ATTENDED THE IG NOBEL CEREMONY: James Watson

*PHYSICS: John Mainstone and the late Thomas Parnell of the University of Queensland, Australia, for patiently conducting an experiment that began in the year 1927 -- in which a glob of congealed black tar has been slowly, slowly dripping through a funnel, at a rate of approximately one drop every nine years.REFERENCE: "The Pitch Drop Experiment," R. Edgeworth, B.J. Dalton and T. Parnell, European Journal of Physics, 1984, pp. 198-200. WHO ATTENDED THE IG NOBEL CEREMONY: John Mainstone

*MEDICINE: Gregg A. Miller of Oak Grove, Missouri, for inventing Neuticles -- artificial replacement testicles for dogs, which are available in three sizes, and three degrees of firmness.REFERENCES: US Patent #5868140, and the book Going Going NUTS!, by Gregg A. Miller, PublishAmerica, 2004, ISBN 1413753167.ACCEPTING: The winner was unable to travel, and delivered his acceptance speech via video.

*LITERATURE: The Internet entrepreneurs of Nigeria, for creating and then using e-mail to distribute a bold series of short stories, thus introducing millions of readers to a cast of rich characters -- General Sani Abacha, Mrs. Mariam Sanni Abacha, Barrister Jon A Mbeki Esq., and others -- each of whom requires just a small amount of expense money so as to obtain access to the great wealth to which they are entitled and which they would like to share with the kind person who assists them.

*PEACE: Claire Rind and Peter Simmons of Newcastle University, in the U.K., for electrically monitoring the activity of a brain cell in a locust while that locust was watching selected highlights from the movie "Star Wars." REFERENCE: "Orthopteran DCMD Neuron: A Reevaluation of Responses to Moving Objects. I. Selective Responses to Approaching Objects," F.C. Rind and P.J. Simmons, Journal of Neurophysiology, vol. 68, no. 5, November 1992, pp. 1654-66.WHO ATTENDED THE IG NOBEL CEREMONY: Claire Rind

*ECONOMICS: Gauri Nanda of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, for inventing an alarm clock that runs away and hides, repeatedly, thus ensuring that people DO get out of bed, and thus theoretically adding many productive hours to the workday.WHO ATTENDED THE IG NOBEL CEREMONY: Gauri Nanda

*CHEMISTRY: Edward Cussler of the University of Minnesota and Brian Gettelfinger of the University of Minnesota and the University of Wisconsin, for conducting a careful experiment to settle the longstanding scientific question: can people swim faster in syrup or in water?REFERENCE: "Will Humans Swim Faster or Slower in Syrup?" American Institute of Chemical Engineers Journal, Brian Gettelfinger and E. L. Cussler, vol. 50, no. 11, October 2004, pp. 2646-7.WHO ATTENDED THE IG NOBEL CEREMONY: Brian Gettelfinger and Edward Cussler

*BIOLOGY: Benjamin Smith of the University of Adelaide, Australia and the University of Toronto, Canada and the Firmenich perfume company, Geneva, Switzerland, and ChemComm Enterprises, Archamps, France; Craig Williams of James Cook University and the University of South Australia; Michael Tyler of the University of Adelaide; Brian Williams of the University of Adelaide; and Yoji Hayasaka of the Australian Wine Research Institute; for painstakingly smelling and cataloging the peculiar odors produced by 131 different species of frogs when the frogs were feeling stressed.REFERENCE: "A Survey of Frog Odorous Secretions, Their Possible Functions and Phylogenetic Significance," Benjamin P.C. Smith, Craig R. Williams, Michael J. Tyler, and Brian D. Williams, Applied Herpetology, vol. 2, no. 1-2, February 1, 2004, pp. 47-82.REFERENCE: "Chemical and Olfactory Characterization of Odorous Compounds and Their Precursors in the Parotoid Gland Secretion of the Green Tree Frog, Litoria caerulea," Benjamin P.C. Smith, Michael J. Tyler, Brian D. Williams, and Yoji Hayasaka, Journal of Chemical Ecology, vol. 29, no. 9, September 2003.WHO ATTENDED THE IG NOBEL CEREMONY: Ben Smith and Craig Williams

*NUTRITION: Dr. Yoshiro Nakamats of Tokyo, Japan, for photographing and retrospectively analyzing every meal he has consumed during a period of 34 years (and counting).WHO ATTENDED THE IG NOBEL CEREMONY: Dr. Yoshiro Nakamats

*FLUID DYNAMICS: Victor Benno Meyer-Rochow of International University Bremen, Germany and the University of Oulu, Finland; and Jozsef Gal of Loránd Eötvös University, Hungary, for using basic principles of physics to calculate the pressure that builds up inside a penguin, as detailed in their report "Pressures Produced When Penguins Pooh -- Calculations on Avian Defaecation."PUBLISHED IN: Polar Biology, vol. 27, 2003, pp. 56-8.ACCEPTING: The winners were unable to attend the ceremony because they could not obtain United States visas to visit the United States. Dr. Meyer-Rochow sent an acceptance speech via video.

The 2004 Ig Nobel Prize Winners

The 2004 Ig Nobel Prizes were awarded on Thursday evening, September 30, at the 14th First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony, at Harvard's Sanders Theatre. You can watch archived video of the live webcast.

*MEDICINE Steven Stack of Wayne State University, Detroit, Michigan, USA and James Gundlach of Auburn University, Auburn, Alabama, USA, for their published report "The Effect of Country Music on Suicide."PUBLISHED IN: Social Forces, vol. 71, no. 1, September 1992, pp. 211-8.WHO ATTENDED THE IG NOBEL CEREMONY: James Gundlach.

*PHYSICS Ramesh Balasubramaniam of the University of Ottawa, and Michael Turvey of the University of Connecticut and Haskins Laboratory, for exploring and explaining the dynamics of hula-hooping.REFERENCE: "Coordination Modes in the Multisegmental Dynamics of Hula Hooping," Ramesh Balasubramaniam and Michael T. Turvey, Biological Cybernetics, vol. 90, no. 3, March 2004, pp. 176-90.WHO ATTENDED THE IG NOBEL CEREMONY: Ramesh Balasubramaniam and Michael Turvey.

*PUBLIC HEALTH Jillian Clarke of the Chicago High School for Agricultural Sciences, and then Howard University, for investigating the scientific validity of the Five-Second Rule about whether it's safe to eat food that's been dropped on the floor.WHO ATTENDED THE IG NOBEL CEREMONY: Jillian Clarke

*CHEMISTRY The Coca-Cola Company of Great Britain, for using advanced technology to convert ordinary tap water into Dasani, a transparent form of water, which for precautionary reasons has been made unavailable to consumers.

*ENGINEERING Donald J. Smith and his father, the late Frank J. Smith, of Orlando Florida, USA, for patenting the combover (U.S. Patent #4,022,227).WHO ATTENDED THE IG NOBEL CEREMONY: Donald Smith's son, Scott Jackson Smith, and daughter, Heather Smith.

*LITERATURE The American Nudist Research Library of Kissimmee, Florida, USA, for preserving nudist history so that everyone can see it.WHO ATTENDED THE IG NOBEL CEREMONY: Pamela Chestek, the daughter of ANRL director Helen Fisher.

*PSYCHOLOGY Daniel Simons of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and Christopher Chabris of Harvard University, for demonstrating that when people pay close attention to something, it's all too easy to overlook anything else -- even a woman in a gorilla suit.REFERENCE: "Gorillas in Our Midst," Daniel J. Simons and Christopher F. Chabris, vol. 28, Perception, 1999, pages 1059-74.DEMO: <http://viscog.beckman.uiuc.edu/media/ig.html>WHO ATTENDED THE IG NOBEL CEREMONY: Daniel Simons and Christopher Chabris.

*ECONOMICS The Vatican, for outsourcing prayers to India.

*PEACE Daisuke Inoue of Hyogo, Japan, for inventing karaoke, thereby providing an entirely new way for people to learn to tolerate each other.WHO ATTENDED THE IG NOBEL CEREMONY: Daisuke Inoue.

*BIOLOGY Ben Wilson of the University of British Columbia, Lawrence Dill of Simon Fraser University [Canada], Robert Batty of the Scottish Association for Marine Science, Magnus Whalberg of the University of Aarhus [Denmark], and Hakan Westerberg of Sweden's National Board of Fisheries, for showing that herrings apparently communicate by farting.REFERENCE: "Sounds Produced by Herring (Clupea harengus) Bubble Release," Magnus Wahlberg and Håkan Westerberg, Aquatic Living Resources, vol. 16, 2003, pp. 271-5.REFERENCE: "Pacific and Atlantic Herring Produce Burst Pulse Sounds," Ben Wilson, Robert S. Batty and Lawrence M. Dill, Biology Letters, vol. 271, 2003, pp. S95-S97.WHO ATTENDED THE IG NOBEL CEREMONY: Lawrence Dill, Robert Batty, Magnus Whalberg, Hakan Westerberg.

Modern Terminology..

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadlinewas missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cribs on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in acube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What DINKS(Double Income No Kids) turn into when they have children and one ofthem stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless becausethe magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying butyou find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J . trials werea prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of anelectronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just abovethe rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are oftenprofoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they weredesigned to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message"404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not belocated.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the sameno matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls,subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize thatyou've just made a BIG mistake. ...

Tips from the work place..

When your boss is around on one of his usual rounds ,
checking what everyone is upto,
and your annual performance appraisal is just round the corner,
& you just don't know what to do, to show that you are quite busy,
and have nothing on your hand to show up,
then cheer up folks, all is not lost! here's a tip that usually works:-

"work around very fast , with a very worried look on your face,
and pretend as if you are in deep thought!"

Don't worry, It works most of the time, folks!.

Scientists v/s Philosophers..

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching
up”.
The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”

Can't get any worse than this...!!

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

The passenger

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down,
fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

The Loony Soldier...

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and
wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

Ducks n Elephants

Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: To stamp out fires.

Q: Then why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out burning ducks .

American Technology v/s Russian Technology

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists
spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures
ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.

Don't lie to your mother!!

Mrs. Smith had always suspected her son, Mike, was having an intimate relationship with his roommate, Jennifer.
One night, Mike invites his mother over for dinner. All thru the night, Mrs. Smith watched Mike and Jennifer interact, and was pretty sure there was more than met the eye. Mike saw his mother watching them and assured her that they were just roommates.
A few nights later, Jennifer went to Mike with a problem.
"Ever since your mother was here for dinner, I have been unable to find the gravy ladle. Do you think she took it?"
Mike replied, "I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her and ask her anyway."
Mike sat down at the computer and composed the following e-mail:

Dearest Mother,
I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains, since you were here for dinner, we have been unable to find the ladle.
Love always,
Mike

Two days later, Mike received the following reply from his mother:

Dearest Michael,
I'm not saying you do sleep with Jennifer, and I'm not saying you do not sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains, had Jennifer been sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now.
Love,
Mother

Moral of the story: Don't lie to your mother!

(Source : http://www.funnyfly.com/dontlie.shtml )

Insurance Claims

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:

Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo


"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

Excerpts from an IAS interview...

The IAS or Indian Administrative Services is one of the toughest professions to get into for a graduate in India, as the competition is to say the least, very much intense. It requires clearing two stages, one a written exam ,and the other an interview conducted by a panel of experts.
Those who eventually make it through end up holding high level positions in the indian bureaucracy...

Here's an excerpt from one such interview day:-


One young man went for an IAS Interview.
"When did India get independence?" He was asked.
"The efforts began many years earlier and final result was in 1947", he replied.
"Who was responsible for our independence?".
"There were so many. Whom to mention?. If I name one it will be a injustice to another." he replied.
"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?".
"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report", he replied.
The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.

When he went out , naturally, others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Sardar would not leave him. "At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.

Then it was the turn of this Sardar...

When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him,
"By the way, what is your date of birth?"
He replied, "The effort began many years earlier and the final result was in 1947."
Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification. "What is your fathers name?" .
He replied, "There were so many. whom to mention. If I name one it will be injustice to another."
The interviewer was incensed. "Hey! are you mad or what?"
He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report!"
:)-

(thanks to Reba L.G. for her lovely contribution :)- )

Sherlock Holmes & Dr Watson...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

(Source : http://www.tallrite.com/LightRelief/worldsbestjokes.htm )